I know in my heart I have been putting off writing a blog update because I was desperately hoping the next post could be about our little one. Unfortunately, today marks 30 months we have been waiting without news. And just a few weeks from now we will have been in this adoption process for three years. Never did we imagine what this journey would be like. Recently God has been doing a work in my heart, revealing the ugliness that has crept in as the waiting drags on. He has been holding up a mirror in that direct but gentle way He does to call me back to His heart. He has opened my eyes to see how bitterness, jealousy and doubt have taken root in my life.
Yesterday morning He preached a sermon over me in my reading corner at home as I studied Exodus 13-18. I don’t know about anyone else, but it seems every time I learn more about the nation of Israel, I feel so convicted. I am Israel. In these chapters, God rescues them in a miraculous way and sends them on a journey He has planned. It seems around every corner, they begin to grumble, questioning the plan, doubting the faithfulness, quickly ungrateful for the provisions. They often say, “we should have stayed as slaves in Egypt.” “We would have been better off.” Then God’s response? More provision. Throughout these chapters in Israel’s history, the cycle is so obvious. Grumbling and doubt– then more provision. It is both comical and infuriating until I realize that I am Israel.
When I reflect on this three year adoption process so far, I see waves of provision, both practical and spiritual. But embarrassingly the journey is marked by many moments of my doubt and bitterness that God’s plan doesn’t look like mine. Lately it feels like people around us are starting to question this path too. But God has not sent us on a different path since we started, not even for a moment.
In the midst of my conviction yesterday, I found this beautiful pattern. God provides because of His mercy and love towards the people, yes. But there is another motivation for the provision. He says, “this is who I am.” “I want you to know me.” He parts the Red Sea — “I am redeemer.” Turns bitter water sweet — “I am healer.” Delivers manna and quail as regularly as the postman — “You shall know that I am the Lord your God.” He wants so desperately for Israel to know Him more. He wants so desperately for me to know Him more. While I trust He has big plans and goals for us to have a child in our lives, through all the provision, He is whispering, “this is who I am.” “This is so you know I am the Lord your God.”
People often tell us how we are amazingly patient, which is frankly quite annoying. I know they are trying to be encouraging, but most days I feel far from patient and battle doubt and bitterness. This also takes away the glory that is all God’s in seeing He has given us everything we need so that we can know Him more. He is the one with amazing patience holding us through the journey. May we not forsake opportunities to know Him more no matter the path He leads us on. We are grateful to say that these are some of the ways we’ve known God more during the last three years; He is:
- patient guide
- faithful friend
- strength when we are without
- keeper of promises
- our joy in the struggle
Who has God been to you recently in the path He has you on?